In the night, I am lost, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart.
I look to you, call to you, hope for you but there is only darkness and despair.
But even the darkness is not dark to you.
In the precious process of the night, you reveal yourself to me.
Gently and lovingly you awaken my heart, tenderly you swell my heart with love.
And darkness becomes like morning.
I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love.
Job 11; Job 17; Psalm 30; Psalm 59; Psalm 139; and the writings of John of the Cross as referenced in The Dark Night of the Soul by Gerald G. May
Thursday, August 12, 2010
THE HOLE
Inspired by The Good Samaritan (Luke 10)
I was running along in the sunshine enjoying each day of my new Christian life, when I was suddenly and unexpectantly struck from behind and fell down, deeper and deeper into a black hole.
My mind was fractured in the fall, relationships broken, emotions shattered. I was left battered and bruised, my wounds open and raw. I was trapped in the hole with stale air, dank, close walls and no way out. Only a glimpse of the sky could be seen far away at the hole entrance.
Hours turned into days, days to months and months to years. I slowly became used to my hole. Hope of release faded as the warmth of sunshine of my face and the freshness of the autumn breeze became distant memories.
After some time, a man of theology passed by my hole. He peered down and said to me, “Christ died for your sins according to the Scriptures (1 Corinthians 15)”. Then he closed his bible, crossed the road and continued on his way.
A Kids’ Mission leader ran up to my hole. She looked down into the hole and sang down to me, “Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 3)” Then she skipped off down the road, leaving me behind.
A weathered old face became a regular visitor to my hole. He stood at the edge and sneered down at me. "It is futile to serve God. What did you gain by carrying out his requirements? (Malachi 3)”. “Your tears have been your food day and night. Where is your God? (Psalm 42)”
I lost all hope of rescue and relief, when a vision appeared at the entrance to my
hole - a beautiful woman. She did not pass by. She leapt down into the hole beside me. She cradled my head, clasped my hand and rocked me gently as I cried.
She comforted me with compassionate words, “We do not lose heart. Though outwardly you are wasting away, inwardly you are being renewed day by day. These light and momentary troubles are achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Corinthians 4)”.
She assured me that there would be a time when I would be rescued from my hole, “The Lamb at the center of the throne will be your shepherd; he will lead you to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from your eyes. (Revelation 7)"
Then she looked upwards and said for me, “You will call and Jill will answer you, you will long for the creature your hands have made (Job 14)”
Then I heard a tender whisper, “Jill, I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 3)”.
And a gentle light flickered to life in my hole.
I was running along in the sunshine enjoying each day of my new Christian life, when I was suddenly and unexpectantly struck from behind and fell down, deeper and deeper into a black hole.
My mind was fractured in the fall, relationships broken, emotions shattered. I was left battered and bruised, my wounds open and raw. I was trapped in the hole with stale air, dank, close walls and no way out. Only a glimpse of the sky could be seen far away at the hole entrance.
Hours turned into days, days to months and months to years. I slowly became used to my hole. Hope of release faded as the warmth of sunshine of my face and the freshness of the autumn breeze became distant memories.
After some time, a man of theology passed by my hole. He peered down and said to me, “Christ died for your sins according to the Scriptures (1 Corinthians 15)”. Then he closed his bible, crossed the road and continued on his way.
A Kids’ Mission leader ran up to my hole. She looked down into the hole and sang down to me, “Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 3)” Then she skipped off down the road, leaving me behind.
A weathered old face became a regular visitor to my hole. He stood at the edge and sneered down at me. "It is futile to serve God. What did you gain by carrying out his requirements? (Malachi 3)”. “Your tears have been your food day and night. Where is your God? (Psalm 42)”
I lost all hope of rescue and relief, when a vision appeared at the entrance to my
hole - a beautiful woman. She did not pass by. She leapt down into the hole beside me. She cradled my head, clasped my hand and rocked me gently as I cried.
She comforted me with compassionate words, “We do not lose heart. Though outwardly you are wasting away, inwardly you are being renewed day by day. These light and momentary troubles are achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Corinthians 4)”.
She assured me that there would be a time when I would be rescued from my hole, “The Lamb at the center of the throne will be your shepherd; he will lead you to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from your eyes. (Revelation 7)"
Then she looked upwards and said for me, “You will call and Jill will answer you, you will long for the creature your hands have made (Job 14)”
Then I heard a tender whisper, “Jill, I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 3)”.
And a gentle light flickered to life in my hole.
THE DESERT
Inspired by Psalm 119
I am laid low in the dust. Only desert surrounds me.
Alone and desolate, I am far from the path
In this barren landscape, my body is decaying.
My soul is weary with sorrow but my tears no longer fall.
I call to you “When will your comfort me?”
My heart and flesh cry out. My soul faints with longing for your presence.
May you hear my plea O Lord.
Let your unfailing love draw near.
Strengthen me and preserve my life.
Breathe life into my dry bones.
Open the floodgates of heaven and pour out your compassion.
Let your streams burst forth.
Become in me a spring of water welling up to eternal life.
Save me for I am yours.
Let me live that I may praise you.
May I sing of your goodness and rejoice in your salvation.
I put my hope in your word.
I am laid low in the dust. Only desert surrounds me.
Alone and desolate, I am far from the path
In this barren landscape, my body is decaying.
My soul is weary with sorrow but my tears no longer fall.
I call to you “When will your comfort me?”
My heart and flesh cry out. My soul faints with longing for your presence.
May you hear my plea O Lord.
Let your unfailing love draw near.
Strengthen me and preserve my life.
Breathe life into my dry bones.
Open the floodgates of heaven and pour out your compassion.
Let your streams burst forth.
Become in me a spring of water welling up to eternal life.
Save me for I am yours.
Let me live that I may praise you.
May I sing of your goodness and rejoice in your salvation.
I put my hope in your word.
CHILDLESSNESS
Inspired by Isaiah 54
No smile of a newborn
No cooing or gurgling
No grasp of a tiny hand around a finger
No tentative first steps
No bible, prayer, bedtime.
No sound of childhood laughter and occasional childhood tears.
But there is an echo of a promise.
A hope for the impoverished.
It is the word of the Lord.
“Sing O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband”
No longer are the fruitless outcast.
Disgrace and embarrassment are no more.
God casts out fear.
I will have blessings in abundance
I will love much and be loved.
For the Lord is my husband
And in him I am complete.
No smile of a newborn
No cooing or gurgling
No grasp of a tiny hand around a finger
No tentative first steps
No bible, prayer, bedtime.
No sound of childhood laughter and occasional childhood tears.
But there is an echo of a promise.
A hope for the impoverished.
It is the word of the Lord.
“Sing O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband”
No longer are the fruitless outcast.
Disgrace and embarrassment are no more.
God casts out fear.
I will have blessings in abundance
I will love much and be loved.
For the Lord is my husband
And in him I am complete.
THE BLACK DOG
My Black Dog of Depression is howling tonight. He is the Alpha male, leading his pack at night time. They prowl around like roaring lions looking for someone to devour.
I am pursued as prey. I face death and am like a sheep to be slaughtered.
The pack of wild dogs tensely sit back on their haunches, ready to pounce.
Then I cry out to the Lord. “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed”.
He answers me. “Because you love me, I will rescue you. I will protect you for you acknowledge my name. You call upon me and I will answer you. I will be with you in trouble.”
The Lord then covers me with his feathers, and under his wings I find refuge; his faithfulness is my shield. He quiets me with his love, he rejoices over me with singing.
And the dogs retreat.
1 Peter 5; Psalm 44; Romans 8: Psalm 57; Psalm 97; Zephaniah 3
I am pursued as prey. I face death and am like a sheep to be slaughtered.
The pack of wild dogs tensely sit back on their haunches, ready to pounce.
Then I cry out to the Lord. “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed”.
He answers me. “Because you love me, I will rescue you. I will protect you for you acknowledge my name. You call upon me and I will answer you. I will be with you in trouble.”
The Lord then covers me with his feathers, and under his wings I find refuge; his faithfulness is my shield. He quiets me with his love, he rejoices over me with singing.
And the dogs retreat.
1 Peter 5; Psalm 44; Romans 8: Psalm 57; Psalm 97; Zephaniah 3
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